Thursday, August 2, 2012

Overwhelmed by Your Faithfulness

Jesus, Your faithfulness never ceases to amaze me! Here lately, my life has been a whirlwind of emotions. Many times, I have doubted Your presence, not being able to feel You in the midst of it all. But the Holy Spirit kept reminding me of the promise found in Joshua 1:5 "I will not leave you or forsake you." The Lord promises never to abandon us. Even when we feel like no one else understands the pain and hurt we are going through, there is One person who does. Jesus. (Isaiah 53)

A couple of nights ago, I broke out into tears because I just felt so alone in this circumstance that the Lord is bringing me through. This has been nearly a month long journey, and I thought I had run out of tears about it, but I fell guilty to the Author of Doubt once again. I allowed Satan to make me question the Lord's presence and control over this situation. My cry that night was that that Lord would reveal Himself to me in a mighty way because I was just not feeling His presence. He gently reminded me: "I am in control. Trust me." I could literally feel a spiritual warfare going on inside of me because every fiber of my fleshly being wanted to take complete control of the situation. I wanted to take matters into my own hands. This situation has caused me a lot of pain, both physically and emotionally, and I just wanted it to end. How selfish of me to think that I could have handled this better than the Almighty One. Again, a gentle whisper: "Patience." 
The very next morning, I received a phone call that I had been earnestly praying for. One of the people who played a large role in the emotional pain I was going through, called me and apologized over and over for all the pain he had caused me. He said that the Lord finally opened his eyes to everything that was going on. In tears, he told me that he is taking full ownership for his action and has no one to blame but himself. He explained that he has a lot of surrendering to do before the cross, and hopes that one day I will be able to forgive him.

TALK ABOUT AN ANSWERED PRAYER! After I hung up the phone, I was overwhelmed with joy because of the Lord's faithfulness to my prayers! He hears us, even when we feel so alone.

Prior to that phone call, I had lost all trust and respect for him, but the Lord is slowly and tenderly allowing me to gain that back with him. Am I there yet? No. Have I forgiven him? Not completely. But remember the second whisper? Patience. It is going to take a lot of time to gain back trust and respect for him, and the Lord still has a lot of healing to do in my own heart before I can truly forgive and forget. I am confident that the Lord will be faithful to this process, because who am I to keep a record of someone's wrongs? That is not my job, my job is to continue to love him as my brother in Christ, no matter what. That is what I am called to do. Is that an easy task? No. But with the Lord's strength, He will allow me to see him just as He does, and allow me to forgive and forget. Not only must I be patient with the Lord, but I must be patient with myself. I know my flesh is going to want to try and speed up this process, but I have to remember that the Lord is in control, and everything is going to happen according to His will and not my own. I must trust that the Lord knows exactly what He is doing, and He will continue to be faithful. Jesus, thank you so much for revealing Yourself to me in a mighty way. I love you.

The road to forgiveness begins, and I'm confident the Lord will reveal His faithfulness in this journey.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

It's Just You and me

That chapter has ended, and now it's just You and me, Lord.
That chapter taught me a lot about myself, but it also revealed that You have so much more to show me.
That chapter showed me that I am beautiful and a special treasure.
But that chapter also revealed that I need to daily understand that You see me as beautiful, and not look for that satisfaction in anyone else.
That chapter taught me just how important communication is, and how without it, you're walking on shaky ground.
That chapter taught me that a relationship based on physical attraction will leave you broken hearted and unsatisfied.
That chapter taught me that I should not try to fit into a mold that I was not made to fit.
That chapter revealed that I still deeply struggle with the desire for control.
That chapter revealed that I was fighting for my fleshly desires instead of fighting for You.
That chapter showed me characteristics to look for in a Godly man, but revealed that that is not my missing puzzle piece and nor am I his.
That chapter, even though it was not perfect, showed me what a relationship centered around You looks like.
That chapter showed me that the man You do have for me is far better than I can even dream.
That chapter showed em that I deserve to be treated like a princess.
That chapter showed me that I have a lot of spiritual maturing to do before I am ready to enter into another relationship, or become a wife and mom.
That chapter showed me how critical it is to pray without ceasing, and seek Your will in everything.
Thank You for the lessons You taught me in that chapter, but I am ready to turn the page, and now it's just You and me, Lord.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Taking Away

Oh wow, it has definitely been awhile since I have ventured onto my blog. The Lord has brought me through SO much since than, but I will bring you to where I am now. Basically, He is teaching me to CLING to Him with all of my heart, all of my mind, all of my soul, and all of my strength. Here recently, my strength and energy have been at their lowest points. I have been exhausted from working, taking part in VBS and VBX at my church this past week, and other circumstances in my life. However, the Lord remained faithful to me by providing the strength and energy I desperately needed to continue to love on the kiddos in a way that I never could have done on my own. Thank you, Jesus. In the past few days, my world has been rocked and taken a turn I did not see coming. I do not understand why the Lord is taking me through this hard time... I am confused, I am frustrated, I am hurting, I am sad, but I am CHOOSING to cling to the Lord's love. In these moments when my flesh is trying to tell me that the Lord is against, I remind myself of Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him..." I may not understand why the Lord is bringing me through this trial, and it may not make any sense to me, but I know that He will never take me through something that I cannot handle without Him. "I can do all things through him who gives me strength." -Philippians 4:13 Key words there are "THROUGH HIM"... I have to recognize that I cannot overcome this trial on my own, I NEED Jesus. Only He can mend my heart, and show me that He is my One True Love and the ultimate Pursuer of my heart. So often, I fall into the trap of wanting to fix things on my own, but I have to release the desire for that control. The Lord wants to take that weight off of my shoulders... He does not want me to bear that burden. "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." -1 Peter 5:7 In times like this, it is very easy to give into the flesh and allow the Author of Lies to creep in and tell us that the Lord does not have our best interest at heart. However, Jesus is sweetly and tenderly revealing to me just how deep His love is for me, and giving me the strength to tell the Author of Lies get out of my head because my God is bigger and has already overcome any of the problems I face. "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." -James 4:7 If someone were to ask me what the Lord is teaching me right now, my answer would be: "He is teaching me that He truly does give and take away, and even though I do not understand why the Lord is taking away right now, I know that He is still sovereign and He has a greater plan for my life. Just like Ecclesiastes 3:1 states, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens..." I trust that the Lord knows what He is doing, even though I may not be able to see it clearly. In this time in my life when the Lord is taking away, He is refining my heart and revealing to me more of His character. I feel like He is asking me, "In this season of taking away, are you going to choose to still bring me glory?" Yes, Jesus, I choose to trust in Your plans for my life and choose to glorify Your name through it all. You alone know my heart, and You alone are worthy to be praised. "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." -Job 1:21 

Jesus, even though I do not fully understand what is going on, I thank you for this time of refining and drawing me closer to You. As You tenderly continue to reveal Yourself to me, I am falling more and more in love with You. I am trusting that in Your perfect timing You will bring clarity to this trial, but if for whatever reason You do not, I know that serves a purpose as well. Because ultimately, You know my heart better than anyone else, and You know exactly what I need. For now, I choose to cling to You! "'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.'" -Jeremiah 33:3