Jesus, Your faithfulness never ceases to amaze me! Here lately, my life has been a whirlwind of emotions. Many times, I have doubted Your presence, not being able to feel You in the midst of it all. But the Holy Spirit kept reminding me of the promise found in Joshua 1:5 "I will not leave you or forsake you." The Lord promises never to abandon us. Even when we feel like no one else understands the pain and hurt we are going through, there is One person who does. Jesus. (Isaiah 53)
A couple of nights ago, I broke out into tears because I just felt so alone in this circumstance that the Lord is bringing me through. This has been nearly a month long journey, and I thought I had run out of tears about it, but I fell guilty to the Author of Doubt once again. I allowed Satan to make me question the Lord's presence and control over this situation. My cry that night was that that Lord would reveal Himself to me in a mighty way because I was just not feeling His presence. He gently reminded me: "I am in control. Trust me." I could literally feel a spiritual warfare going on inside of me because every fiber of my fleshly being wanted to take complete control of the situation. I wanted to take matters into my own hands. This situation has caused me a lot of pain, both physically and emotionally, and I just wanted it to end. How selfish of me to think that I could have handled this better than the Almighty One. Again, a gentle whisper: "Patience."
The very next morning, I received a phone call that I had been earnestly praying for. One of the people who played a large role in the emotional pain I was going through, called me and apologized over and over for all the pain he had caused me. He said that the Lord finally opened his eyes to everything that was going on. In tears, he told me that he is taking full ownership for his action and has no one to blame but himself. He explained that he has a lot of surrendering to do before the cross, and hopes that one day I will be able to forgive him.
TALK ABOUT AN ANSWERED PRAYER! After I hung up the phone, I was overwhelmed with joy because of the Lord's faithfulness to my prayers! He hears us, even when we feel so alone.
Prior to that phone call, I had lost all trust and respect for him, but the Lord is slowly and tenderly allowing me to gain that back with him. Am I there yet? No. Have I forgiven him? Not completely. But remember the second whisper? Patience. It is going to take a lot of time to gain back trust and respect for him, and the Lord still has a lot of healing to do in my own heart before I can truly forgive and forget. I am confident that the Lord will be faithful to this process, because who am I to keep a record of someone's wrongs? That is not my job, my job is to continue to love him as my brother in Christ, no matter what. That is what I am called to do. Is that an easy task? No. But with the Lord's strength, He will allow me to see him just as He does, and allow me to forgive and forget. Not only must I be patient with the Lord, but I must be patient with myself. I know my flesh is going to want to try and speed up this process, but I have to remember that the Lord is in control, and everything is going to happen according to His will and not my own. I must trust that the Lord knows exactly what He is doing, and He will continue to be faithful. Jesus, thank you so much for revealing Yourself to me in a mighty way. I love you.
The road to forgiveness begins, and I'm confident the Lord will reveal His faithfulness in this journey.